Love & Excuses
by Little Miss Defensive
Summary: "He would never like someone like me." I said quietly, almost afraid to hear the words. It was the first time I had made any kind of admission to liking Lupin. Missing scenes between Tonks & Lupin towards the end of OOTP.  RLNT
1. Too old

**Chapter 1:** Too Old

..

**Tonks Point Of View**

..

Sirius was slouched across from me on the kitchen table at Grimmauld Place. He staring at me over an almost empty bottle of fire whisky. He had done this for a little while now, he would stare at me as if trying to read my mind. Thank God I know he's terrible at Legilmens.

"What? Why do you do that, stare at me?"

"You fancy Remus don't you?"

"Wha- No – Why – Huh?" I spluttered, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks I did my best to morph it away, but it was hard to concentrate. How did Sirius know I had to a crush on him? I didn't want Remus to know! He would _never_ like someone like me.

"You do." Sirius said simply, and slumped further onto the table. "Everyone is falling in love, but me."

"I'm _not_ falling in love Sirius..." I responded, confused.

"You're head over heels for him Tonks... And a lot of the time you really are _head_ over _heels_ because you're ten times as clumsy when he's around then when he's not." Sirius was saying everything in a bland tone.

"I..." I started to defend myself, but thought better. Sirius was my cousin, he was Remus' best friend. Lying to him was not going to help me get over my crush on Remus anyway. "He would never like someone like me." I said quietly, almost afraid to hear the words. It was the first time I had made any kind of admission to liking Lupin. Sirius sat up a little straighter.

"I was right then!" He moved the fire whisky bottle out of the way with a sweep of his hand, and it flew to the floor the last of the whisky spilt on the floor, and I frowned at it. "And don't be so sure he doesn't like you." He reached across the table, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. "You couldn't find a nicer man than Remus, Tonks."

"It's just a crush, I'll get over it." I didn't believe the words even as I spoke them. I'd never been so - '_head over heels'_ as Sirius put it it – for someone, ever. Sure I'd had crushes in the past... But something about Remus was _different_ from those men. Sirius obviously didn't believe me either.

"Yeah, right." He said sarcastically. They heard the front door open quietly, and footsteps down the hall. "Speak of the devil." Sirius grinned, and I blushed, suddenly terrified Sirius would say something.

"You were talking about me?" Remus asked, taking a seat next to Sirius.

"Uh," I began, but found I didn't have an excuse ready at hand. I must be losing my touch, I was brilliant with excuses at Hogwarts!

"Drink, Remus?" Before waiting for a response, Sirius accio'ed a couple more fire whiskys.

"You haven't asked me once tonight whether _I_ want a drink." I accused, pretending to be angry.

"I didn't think you drank." Sirius said, waving his hand distractedly as he popped the top off his bottle. Remus did the same, and I saw a look of surprise pass over Sirius' face. "You don't normally drink either, Remus? I only got you one so I could drink it when _you_ didn't drink it." I accio'ed a fire whisky too, and popped the top. I took a sip, letting it burn it's way down to my stomach making me feel warm, and calm almost immediately. Sirius hadn't known me long, but I found a nice fire whisky now and again went down nicely truth be told. "Rough day? That why you're drinking?" Sirius asked Remus.

"No," Remus seemed content to leave it at that, but I found my curiosity get the better of me.

"How come you're drinking then, if you don't normally?" I asked. Sirius was glaring at Kreacher, and seemed not to be listening.

"I'm just a little tired is all." Remus smiled kindly. He didn't seem to mind me asking. Automatically I tried to work out how close it was until the full moon, but I couldn't remember, and found I couldn't think of a tactful way to ask him. He was watching me, this time his eyes bright with curiosity. "The full moon is a week away." He smiled. "If that's what you're straining so hard to remember." He chuckled lightly, and looked at Sirius who had risen from his chair – rather clumsily – and staggered over to Kreacher.

"Filthy-" Kreacher began to speak but Sirius moved closer, and Kreacher froze.

"Sirius..." Remus said warningly. It was the harshest voice I'd heard from Remus yet. Sirius looked around to his friend, and then at me. He said nothing, but stalked out of the room. I guess he was aiming for it to be a dramatic exit, but he failed spectacularly when he bumped into the door without opening it. I turned back to Remus, and found his lips had thinned into a line, and he was narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "Not good," he muttered, and rose from his seat. "You going to bed Sirius?" He asked his friend.

"Mm..." Sirius said drunkenly. Obviously standing up to see Kreacher had made the alcohol go to his head. I hadn't seen him this drunk before, but I had the feeling Remus had. Remus led Sirius from the room, and I was left lost in my thoughts. Remus was a good man, he was the one who didn't react to Sirius' bad moods. I had tried, and failed to ignore them. Sometimes I just wanted to shake him. Sure he was stuck inside, in a house filled with bad memories for him... But at least he was away from Dementors, and _free_ in the sense that he was no longer in Azkaban anyway, and that the people who care about him now know he's innocent. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't even realise Remus was back until he picked up his bottle from across from me and took a swig.

"That looks like it's something that happens regularly," I said, trying to sound casual. Remus looked up into my eyes, and for a moment we were both quiet. He has wonderful eyes, the kind of eyes you can easily get lost in. His eyes are very expressive too, I find if I want to know what he's thinking, I look at his eyes. At the moment though, his eyes just looked sad.

"Sadly, it does seem to be a regular occurence." He didn't elaborate straight away, so I took another mouthful of fire whisky, suddenly feeling like drinking wasn't a great idea. Not that I expected to get as drunk as Sirius, I only had one drink. "I don't blame him really." Remus sighed a '_Remus-sigh'_ as I call them – in my head anyway. When he sighs, he sounds like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders... And when I hear it, all I want to do is make him smile.

I tried to come up with something witty to say but instead I slid my bottle around the table in a circle, looking at the bottle like an idiot. I looked up at him, and found his eyes intensely looking at me. I dropped my bottle, and I watched a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth until it turned into a full blown smile. I smiled back, and turned from him to clear the mess.

"I like it when you smile," I blurted out. Oh _Merlin_, Tonks. Really? I _like it when you smile?_ I felt like sinking into a hole in the ground. Why did I always say stupid things in front of him? I thought about what Sirius had said earlier, about me _fancying_ him.

"I like it when you laugh," he responded, a hint of teasing in his voice.

"Hey! I can't help the way I laugh." I pouted playfully, and noticed him licking his lips nervously.

"No, I love your laugh." He says, his face serious. I was so surprised the pout disappeared, and I'm pretty sure my mouth opened like an idiot. I don't know why but the word _love_ coming from Remus, and talking about something to do with _me_ made my heart race madly in my chest.

"I don't know why! I have an annoying laugh." I exclaimed. He shrugged, a small smile on his face. "Remus," it suddenly occurred to me that _maybe_ Remus did like me. I took a deep breath. It was better to ask him now, rather than make a fool out of myself months down the track.

"Yeah," he was resting his head in his hands, looking more relaxed than he had in a long time. I took a moment to drink in the sight of him in this state.

"Do you _like_ me?" His elbows slipped and he nearly smashed his chin into the table, he sat up straight, and didn't look me in the eye, I had the urge to grab his face and _make_ him look at me... But I tightened my grip on the bottle in front of me to prevent me from doing it.

"Of course, everyone likes you Nymphadora..." He smiles, but still wouldn't look me in the eye.

"I mean... do you _like_ me?" I put emphasis on the _'like'_ and he finally looked me in the eye. I tried to keep my face neutral, but butterflies were flitting around in my stomach making me queasy. I suddenly realised how stupid it was to ask a question, did I really want to know? If he said _no_ then I'd have to live with it – but how embarassing would that be? Remus cleared his throat and looked down. His brown hair has grown out a little lately, and it flopped in front of his face.

"I'm too old for you." His chair scraped the floor and he abruptly moved it back and began heading towards the door, he opened it but before walking through he looked back at me. I tried not to feel sad, it was what I expected... I was a lot younger than him, and he probably thought of me as a girl rather than woman. I had read into his words earlier far more than I should have, of course he wouldn't like me. I turned my back on him, and I heard the kitchen door shut with a click.


	2. Too poor

**Chapter 2:** Too poor

..

"Get _out_!" Sirius yelled at us. I grabbed Tonks elbow, I could see the angry look on her face.

"Let's go, come on..." I tugged gently, but she didn't budge.

"You need to calm down Sirius!" Tonks told him, she kept her voice low and I could hear anger as strong as Sirius' in the tone.

"Come on Tonks," I tugged again, a little harder. She looked at me scowling, but followed me. "It's his house, if he wants us to leave, we have to leave." He told her as they walked down the street and away from Grimmauld Place.

"He's _so... So_ foul to be around." She said angrily. I let go of her arm, and we stopped walking.

"He's having a hard time."

"He told me to get out!" Tonks exclaimed, and I saw a flash of hurt in her face, and suddenly I understood where her anger was coming from. "Let's go get a drink." My insides froze. I couldn't afford a drink! I didn't want her to know that.

"I... can't."

"Oh?" She rounded on him angrily. "What kind of plans do _you_ have? I thought you were just going to sit with angry Sirius all night!" He looked at her in surprise, she'd turned her anger onto him and he felt guilty.

"How about we go to my house and have a drink?" I suggested, and she deflated before his eyes looking sad.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you." She took my hand, and squeezed it gently. I tried my best to ignore the way my heart skipped a few beats. I couldn't let my feelings for her get in the way. "Yeah lets get a drink at your house then." She agreed, and let go of my hand. "Lead the way?" She asked after a moment, looking at me curiously. I realised I'd been standing there stupidly looking at her.

"How about we side-along apparate there?" I walked into the nearest alley and she followed. "One – two – three" I apparated us to my parents old house, I was embarrassed as I walked ahead of her up the over-grown path. "I – um – don't come here very often." I admitted. She was still distracted with thoughts of Sirius by the looks of things, so I opened the front door and let her walk in first.

"It's not that bad," she answered eventually. I led her into the kitchen, there was a lot of dust but at least the house didn't smell as musty as I had expected. I rummaged through the cupboards looking for some wine, and finally found a bottle. I used my wand to send it over to his kitchen table. Tonks was wandering around the room peering at things, sometimes picking them up and turning them over. I carried over two wine glasses, and sat down at the kitchen table. She followed suit, smiling somewhat shyly across at me. "I am really sorry for losing my temper earlier... It's just Sirius..." She trailed off.

"He really cares about you Nymph-Tonks." I nearly called her Nymphadora, _again_. I was always trying to use it in serious situations, it was a lovely name. But she hated it with a vengeance so I tried to keep her happy by calling her Tonks. "He's just struggling with being trapped in that house. You have to avoid fighting with him, he will cool down." She nodded, and her eyes raised from her glass to my eyes.

"Thanks Remus, you're good at calming me down. Guess I may have the Black temper my mom always told me about." She told him sourly.

"You're nothing like the Black's, nor is Sirius. Not really anyway, the odd trait is understandable but you're as far from the likes of Bellatrix as the Weasley's are." She cocked her head to the side, and look rather adorable.

"That's nice of you to say, but you know Sirius and I _do_ take after the blacks more than the Weasley's." She sighed. "It can't be helped." She smiled at me, head tilted again her eyes roved over my face, and I felt a blush rise to my cheeks. She licked her lips, and I turned from her. I couldn't handle it, I liked her so damn much. She had to stop doing such alluring things! I realised my hand was squeezing my glass and I let go a little. "Remus..." I knew what was coming, and I shook my head.

"Don't... Tonks."

"But... you _like_ me, I know you do. You've never denied it." I'm not good at lying. But I considered it at this moment. She was so persistent. I was finding it harder and harder to resist her.

"I..." I trailed off, trying to think of a kind way to get her to stop talking about my _feelings_ for her. "Tonks you know that it won't work between us. Look at us..." He gestured between them. "Do you know why I brought you here tonight, instead of The Three Broomsticks?" She shook her head, looking perplexed. "It's because I don't have a job Tonks, who would hire a werewolf? I've got no money, I can't buy you things, I can't give you what you need!" He tried to keep his voice down, but frustration tinged his voice and he got up abruptly making her jump in surprise.

"Remus... You know that I don't care. I know you don't have money." She came around the table and grabbed my sleeve. I shook her off and she took a step away. "What do I need to do?"

"You don't need to do anything!" He turned to her, and knew his eyes were hard. "You've done too much already. Always bringing up my feelings for you."

"Ha! So you _do_ like me." She said, but not happily she looked as frustrated as he felt, but for a different reason.

"How could I not?" He stepped forward intruding on her space, she didn't step away. "You're beautiful," without thinking his hand brushed down the side of her face. He turned from her, stepping away. "So _damned_ beautiful." He muttered. "Just... Tonks. I can't do this, I'm so much older than you. I'm poor, how am I supposed to look after you?" I kept my eyes on the wall, and I heard her leave through the front door. I didn't follow, I just collapsed into a sitting position where I was standing, and hung my head. _Oh Tonks._


	3. Too dangerous

**Chapter 3:** Too Dangerous

..

**Lupin's Point Of View**

..

I lifted her small body into my arms, carrying her like a child. Her head lolled to the side and alarmed I paused to check her pulse again. She was definitely alive. But her face was chalk white, eyes closed, and her breathing shallow. I had to get her to St. Mungo's. Limping from the ache in my hip I followed Neville into the room where Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Luna were. Neville bravely began helping Ginny to her feet. Ron was giggling on the ground, blood dripped from wounds on his arms. Luna was pale, and trembling from head to toe. And Hermione... Hermione looked rather like Tonks, though her breathing appeared to be a little better. I lay Tonks on the floor and checked Hermione's pulse and breathing rate. She seemed to be stable. It was almost like she was sleeping. There was a click of the door opening and I turned much slower than I should have. I was so tired, so jaded all of a sudden. I wasn't sure I could fight any more death eaters. But to my relief, Moody stumped his way into the room.

"Right, let's get the students back to school to see Madam Pomfrey." He looked down at Hermione, fear flashed across his face.

"She's alive, her breathing is fine, and so is her pulse. I think her injuries are something Poppy can deal with." I gently scooped Tonks back into my arms, she felt colder than before and a ripple of fear ran through me. I looked at Moody in askance.

"Take her." Moody said. "I'll get them to the school." He gestured to the children, and I did not linger. I moved as fast as possible from the room.

..

I stared down at her, and to my surprise I felt a tear slide down my face. So like Sirius, Tonks was. Maybe that was why they had argued so much, mostly it had been a good natured thing... But every now and again the cousins would get into a fiery argument. As usual, it was me stepping in, the peace maker of the three. I stroked her hand gently with my calloused hand, and thought back to the past months where I had my best friend back. Maybe a somewhat sullen friend a lot of the time, but I still had him back. And now and again the old Sirius would break through, and I wouldn't have missed that for the world, hence why I had moved into Grimmauld Place to keep Sirius company in hopes to bring out the old Sirius.

_James, Lily, Sirius._

I thought of my three friends. It was only Peter Pettigrew and I left now. Pettigrew, the traitor, I... The _half-breed_ as Umbridge would have put it. What was he doing here, sitting next to Tonks bed waiting for her to wake. Why didn't he leave? Would she even want to see him when she woke? He sighed heavily. He should not burden Tonks with his precense, he would let someone else break the news to her, let someone else comfort her. He began to walk towards the door, but he heard her moan from the bed. And all his recent thoughts flew from his mind.

_She was okay. She was alive._ He rushed to her bedside, and sat patiently waiting for her to fully wake. She opened her eyes a crack, and then closed them.

"R-remus?" She asked huskily. "What...?" She opened her eyes again, this time keeping them open but squinting against the bright light. She moved, and winced as she did.

"You were injured..."

"Obviously." She said scrunching up her face in pain. I tried not to think about how adorable it looked when she did that, not at such a critical time. "Bellatrix..." Tonks suddenly hissed angrily and proceeded to try and sit up. I found myself gazing at her, lost in thought. "Can you... help me sit up?" She asked cautiously as she struggled to sit up, biting her lip from the pain. I shook my head, trying to dispel my thoughts of her from my head and concentrate.

"Sorry... sorry." I apologised. I stood from my chair to help her. "I am so glad you're okay," I told her as I moved some pillows behind her, and let her lean on my arm to sit back against them.

"Are the others okay?" I cleared my throat, readying himself. _Don't cry in front of her Remus Lupin_. I told myself.

"Nymphadora..."

"I'm still Tonks, even if I'm injured." She told me grouchily, her bright eyes on me. I could see she knew what I was about to say was imporant though, and she gave him an encouraging smile.

"Sirius... duelled with Bellatrix after you... fell." I broke off. I had to get the words out right, I had to stop pausing. "Bellatrix cursed him, and he went through the veil." I said it quietly, my eyes never leaving hers. She stared at me, and her look reminded me of Harry. I could see she didn't believe me.

"But... where is he?" She asked, drawing her eye brows together.

"He's..." I took a deep breath, but she knew what was coming and I watched her beautiful face crumple. She didn't cry, she didn't make a noise at all actually. I didn't know what to do. "Can I... Do you want me... to-to hold your hand?" I found my hand was hovering half way between where I sat and her bed without. She looked at my hand, and gave a small, but sad chuckle of laughter.

"You are _such_ a gentleman Remus Lupin." She stretched her good arm out to me, her other arm was bandaged from the elbow down. "Of course I want you to hold my hand you silly man." I took her hand in mine. She was so soft, so delicate. Sometimes I wondered how she could be an Auror. She looked so small, and so breakable.

"I'm glad you're okay," I said again, rubbing small circles on the top of her hand with my thumb.

"You've already said that," she smiled kindly at me. "Are _you_ okay?" I startled at the question. _Was_ I okay? I'd just lost my last best friend, Tonks had been injured... And when I moved even slightly in my chair I could feel my own minor bumps and bruises.

"I will be," I answered. She looked over her shoulder as the door to her room opened.

"Mom?" I removed my hand from hers quickly, what would her mother think of her daughter holding hands with a werewolf?

"Hello," Andromeda strode across the room, and sat – or more collapsed - into the chair on the other side of the bed. "Oh darling..." She stroked Tonks fringe from her forehead.

"I'll see you around Nymphadora..." Tonks turned back to me as I stood to leave.

"Tonks, Lupin. TONKS." She winced on the last word, it obviously hurt her to speak that loudly. "Come here," she beckoned me closer. "Closer," she said after I'd shuffled forward a little. I frowned, and leaned in, expecting her to tell me something. She stretched up and kissed me on the cheek instead.

"Thank you, Remus." She whispered. I felt a blush rise to my cheeks, and I wished Tonks mom would stop staring at me, I couldn't meet her eyes.

"You're most welcome." I left the room without looking back. Why did I like her so? And why at such an inapropriate time was I suddenly so aware of her? It was irrational for me to be feeling like this right after losing Sirius... On my way out of St. Mungo's I found my hand moving to my cheek and touching the spot where she had kissed me, it still tingled slightly.

..

I popped back later that night, and she was sleeping. I settled into the chair next to her bed as quietly as possible. But she woke when the chair creaked.

"Remus?" She smiled, and sat up rubbing her eyes. She had blotchy cheeks, and he assumed she'd been crying. Though who could blame her? "Are you okay?" She asked worriedly, and I frowned. Why did she keep asking me if I was okay? It was her who was injured!

"I'm fine," I smiled at her.

"Sirius said something to me... a couple of nights ago." Tonks looked off into the distance. "He said life is short, he said to take chances." She looked back at me, and I knew we'd gotten onto the conversation of my feelings, yet again. I didn't feel angry, I was too tired to feel frustrated, I just felt numb. "Remus, why won't you... be with me? Is it because you don't care that much about me?" She asked, and a tear slid silently down her face. "You and Sirius were my best friends." This surprised him, he expected someone like Tonks to have a lot of friends. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised she'd been over at Grimmauld place most nights.

"I care Tonks..." He felt his own eyes sting. "I care so much it _hurts_." I looked out the window, it was to be a full moon tomorrow night, and this thought sobered me. "I'm a _werewolf_." I sat up straighter. "I'm _dangerous._ You have enough dangers with your job, you don't need me to endanger you." More tears slid down her face, I leaned forward her sadness made my heart feel like it was breaking. I wanted to hold her, to kiss away her pain. But I couldn't lead her on. I patted her gently on the arm. "I'm _so_ sorry Tonks. I can't... I can't hurt you."

"You are hurting me _now_." She told him, her voice thick with tears. "Hurting me more than I've ever been hurt." He looked at her, and then away.

"I'm going away... I have a mission for the order Tonks. I'm not going to be around much." I paused, and looked at her tearful face. "I... am _so_ sorry. I really am." I turned as tears began to fill my eyes. I was not going to cry in front of her.

"No," I heard her whisper before I shut the door to her room.


End file.
